Unintended Consequences

Today I had an epiphany. I thought about decisions in general (be it government, organizational or individual) and their unintended consequences.  For instance, how government subsidies created a dependent faction of our culture or how discovering oil in the Middle East has led to a myriad of political problems. 

I made the decision to please a lot of people and to try and become something I am not, the unintended consequence was to become something that I did not like. 

Many times we allow ourselves to believe in what others tell us without measuring our full commitment to the plan.  I fell victim to that. 

I try to do a good job managing my business and during the process, I have impressed some people along the way.  I never really desired being promoted but I began to believe that path was for me.  Yet, I have never been one to do exactly what I am told. 

Most of the time I am being too cynical and seeing propaganda for what it really is.  In this process, I tend to buck the trend and look for more efficient ways to get the job done even if it means being outright defiant at times.  These are not the qualities of a "yes man" in a corporation. 

When it all crashed, I think I actually may have sabotaged myself even though I didn't realize it at the time.  I just came under so much stress that I just wanted it all to go away but did not want to be viewed as a quitter or a failure.  So, I self-destructed in a magnificent way.

In the end, I had enough people on my side to actually save my job, but the additional responsibilities were taken from me because I "did not demonstrate the characteristics of a leader".  Actually, in that instance they were right.  Yet, I have made ammends with my peers that I felt obligated and found out that I still had their respect and support.  That means more to me than being respected by some people I barely know.

I have actually came away feeling more free to pursue the interest I truly desire.  My hope is that I will somehow find the balance between work and other interests to keep work in its proper perspective.  Basically, its what I do to feed my family.

Dealing with Anger

I have come to understand that I am inherently an angry person.  I deal with stress, perceived threats and the inability to control a situation or others actions toward me with anger.  Fortunately, God has given me a strong command of language, therefore my outbursts are typically verbal and have never erupted into a physical confrontation.  Otherwise, I would have probably hurt someone by now.

James 4:1-12 NIV  says:

"What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don't they come from your desires that battle within you? You desire but do not have, so you kill. You covet but you cannot get what you want, so you quarrel and fight. You do not have because you do not ask God. When you ask, you do not receive, because you ask with wrong motives, that you may spend what you get on your pleasures. You adulterous people, don't you know that friendship with the world means enmity against God? Therefore, anyone who chooses to be a friend of the world becomes an enemy of God. Or do you think Scripture says without reason that he jealously longs for the spirit he has caused to dwell in us? But he gives us more grace. That is why Scripture says:
"God opposes the proud
but shows favor to the humble." Submit yourselves, then, to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Come near to God and he will come near to you. Wash your hands, you sinners, and purify your hearts, you double-minded. Grieve, mourn and wail. Change your laughter to mourning and your joy to gloom. Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up. Brothers and sisters, do not slander one another. Anyone who speaks against a brother or sister or judges them speaks against the law and judges it. When you judge the law, you are not keeping it, but sitting in judgment on it. There is only one Lawgiver and Judge, the one who is able to save and destroy. But you—who are you to judge your neighbor?"

There is alot of truth in what James wrote.  Anger is an outward emotion built on my inability to control the actions of others, not being able to achieve the things I desire and coveting the situations of people I perceive as "not worthy" of having them.  God finds a way to bring us back to humility when our ego and desires begin to turn our focus from him.

In most cases, for me, I have always tried to be self-reliant in everything I do.  I want to live my life on my terms, with my beliefs by my own rules.  When I feel those things challenged, I internalize my frustrations until something triggers that anger.  Recently, I took on more responsibility than I should have, then had it made more difficult to manage by some unforseen complications.   I expected some people to help me manage through the difficult period, but instead, they complicated the situation by causing more stress than actually relieving it.  Finally, failures began to occur, and I thought that I don't fail, instead of us just accepting the responsibility, finger pointing began.  In the course of all of that, I was given a huge disappointment.  When it all piled up, one individual did something that was completely disrespectful to me and that was the triggering event.  I exploded into a fireball of rage and expressed all my feelings and opinions about that person in a very inappropriate manner.    It almost cost me everything.

By the grace of God placing a forgiving spirit in the people I'm accountable too, the reprucussion were humbling, but not career ending.

In the aftermath, I know God has a plan and purpose for me.  I'm just confused and unsure of what they are.  I tried so hard to follow a path that I felt was his direction for me only to find wasted time and emptiness.  In the end, it was my desires ahead of his purpose. 

So, I start over.  Prayerfully.  Using the tools he has given me.  Reassessing my place and purpose in God's plan.